Dear Lounge Lizard,
I am one swinging hip cat that loves the nightlife and loves to boogie. For obvious reasons, martinis are my drink of choice. Unfortunately, I find the martinis I make are often unpalatable and/or time-bombs that invoke drunken inebriation. I can't seem to get my nerve up to approach the beautiful babies when I'm sober, so I hit the drink for a little liquid confidence. Too often this results in a total black-out or an early morning walk of shame to escape some not-so-beautiful baby. How can I avoid these problems in the future? How do I make the perfect martini? Should martinis be shaken or stirred? I usually use about two-thirds vodka and one- third vermouth. Am I using too much vodka?
- Frustratingly, Washed Up On Shy Beach or Two Sheets to the Wind
Washed Up,
There is no such thing as "too much vodka." However, when it comes to martinis, Chicky-Baby you got a lot to learn. Roger Moore's martini would be made from vodka, and he'd have it stirred, if you know what I mean. On the other hand, Sean Connery's martini would be the real deal, strictly shaken and made from gin. Do you wanna be 007 or do yas wanna be the Saint?! Gin is what makes a martini a martini, not the glass and a lot of fancy-boy flavors - and definitely not vodka! If you're gonna pour vodka into a martini glass, you might as well have yourself a peach-blow-fizz, stay home Saturday night and tune into the Lawrence Welk Show. Add about four-fifths gin to one-fifth of extremely dry vermouth, shake with ice cubes for exactly 88 seconds, and then gently strain over crushed ice into a glass, adding a jumbo green olive with pimento. And that, my friend, is the perfect martini! Martinis, like any of the finer things in life, are an acquired taste. If you can't handle the taste, my advice to you is to start drinking heavily. Think of that roach in your apartment that keeps coming back no matter what you do. Nothing effects Mr. Roach because he's been sprayed too many times. Mr. Roach has built up a natural immunity. You need to do the same, so start drinking vigorously, 24-seven. Once you've built up your natural immunity, you'll no longer be passing out in a pool of your own vomit or waking up with Phyllis Diller. As far as the beautiful babies are concerned, quit being such a schlombie and Be Somebody!
- The Lounge Lizard
Dear Lounge Lizard,
I was playing backgammon with my summer mistress when she asked me a rather provocative and intriguing question. She said she was hoping to add even further excitement to our scandalous bedroom affairs, and wondered if I would mind her bringing in a third party. Never one to shy away from a menage-a-three, I said that sounds great and promised to take part. However, it wasn't another three holes for me to play she was talking about. Instead she introduced "Johnson," her vibrator, into the party. Having seen the size of this "marvel of modern technology," I am no longer thinking this is such a good idea. As good as I am, I will never be able to outperform "Johnson". My question is, since I was so eager to have another babe join the scene, would it now be wrong of me to say no to her electric dreams?
- Yours Sincerely, The Hypocritical Oaf
Oaf,
How DEEP is your love? If you'd been doing the job in the first place your mistress would have never even considered bringing "Johnson" into the picture. My advice to you is to stalk up on ginseng, vitamin E, perhaps even Viagra and start doing a few push-ups to get that bee-stinger of yours in motion. Needleboy, you better get out the recharger, because a promise is a promise. Remember this baby, if it don't got swing it don't mean a thing.
- The Lounge Lizard
Dear Lounge Lizard,
The Rat Pack rule! I am their biggest fan ever. I know everything there is to know about Franky, Dino, Sammy, Joey, Peter, and their reign over Las Vegas. However, there's always been one fact of interest that eludes me. I hope that you can help me fill the void in my Rat Pack trivia by telling me which of Sammy's eyes is glass and how exactly he lost it?
- #1 Fan of the Pack
#1 Fack,
The Rat Pack rule what?! Modern day pop-culture due to mass post-mortem-marketing? That ain't what lounge is about. Like Elvis and the Beatles, the Rat Pack are no different just because they are bigger now than they were when they were alive. For one example of many, a real swingin' cat named Chet Baker was far more popular than the Rat Pack, Elvis and the Beatles combined. That's a fact, Prez! The Rat Pack were a bunch of amateur, drunken blowhards riding on Frank's Mob money and Mob relations and Peter "brother-in-law" Lawford's Hollywood and political/family connections. The supporting roles were filled with the better, but always drunken, half of Martin & Lewis, one of the most witless comedians ever to walk the earth and a multi-talented but spineless-jellyfish of a man that with his continuous Uncle-Tomming served as an embarrassment to African-Americans everywhere. Rumor has it that Sammy lost his left eye in an automobile accident while traveling from Vegas to Los Angeles in 1954. This rumor was propagated by the Mob to protect Sinatra, and only now after Frank's death can I talk openly about this secret without a fear of swimmin' wit' da fishes. It was the early days of Vegas. We were playing two weeks at The Sands. Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme were opening for Frank and I was opening for them with Vic Damone. Steve was ending the set with a solo of "Night and Day" along with another four or five minutes while Steve shamelessly brown-nosed Frank on stage.
Vic was off chasing chorus girls, so I was alone in the dressing room with Eydie. She was a real looker in those days with a sweet pair of gams. As most of you already know, Steve was impotent, or at least he was when it came to Eydie. I knew that I had at least four or five minutes before the end of "Night and Day." I quickly stacked some Nat King Cole 45's on the dressing room's "close & play" to drown out Steve's God-awful caterwauling and gave Eydie what she was lacking in her life in a very convincing manner. Man, those crazy dressing-room mirrors sure can be a kick in the head. I was about to deliver Eydie to the promised land for the fourth time in as many minutes when a loud shriek came from center stage. We quickly toweled off, dressed and went to check out the hubbub. As you know, the only thing worse than Frank and Joey's terrible, tasteless, racist jokes and abuse of Sammy was how Sammy just took it all and never stuck up for himself. I guess Sammy's weakness was that he valued being part of the Rat Pack more than he valued his own self-esteem or that of his people. This time it went too far. As Dean and Peter set up bar on stage to begin the show, cocktails were mixed and the introductions began. When it came Sammy's turn to step to center stage for intros, Frank and Joey thought it'd be a real laugh riot to arrive in black-face and hurl a couple of African spears in Sammy's direction.
Unfortunately, Frank had miscalculated his throw and the practical joke went too far as Sammy, in mid tap-dance, turned to receive a spear in his left eye. Until that moment it was all fun and games for Sammy. Members of the Mob (I still can't mention any names) suddenly appeared at every exit, taking the names of everyone present and handing out money and instructions as to what "really" happened at The Sands that night and what would happen if anyone thought otherwise. Sammy accepted the "revised" story and had no hard feelings so long as he remained part of the Pack. I was there and that's the real truth, Baby. Just ask Eydie. I hate to rain on your parade, but find yourself some new lounge idols, authentic idols like Bobby Darin, Tony Bennett, Peggy Lee or Louis Prima, real entertainers with real talent instead of Mob money and dangerous lowbrow racist humor .
- The Lounge Lizard
P.S. - If anyone has any difficulty contacting me in the next little while, please forward all of my mail to the bottom of the East River. Or send your questions and comments to: the lounge lizard
